If you think about it, it’s stupid to have pets. If I brought some random animal inside your house, you’d freak out.
My cat brought in a chipmunk and I screamed like Wilhem
and jumped on a chair.
But, I was screaming at the victim and not the perpetrator. I should have been screaming at the cat.
“Agh! You brought a spit-covered rodent into my kitchen! And later you expect me to feed you Kitteh Bites and scratch your belly!”
I’ve divorced a man for less.
My Top Ten Reasons Why It’s Stupid To Have Pets:
1. Drool. Random puddles of drool. On the floor. When you are barefoot.
2. Wholesale destruction personal property. Underpants are like dog-Pringles. And the more expensive they are, the more tasty, so it seems.
3. You’d make your kid use hand sanitizer if they touch a doorknob, but you let your dog lick your face after it’s eaten out of the cat box.
We call the cat box “The Chihuahua Buffet”.
4. Light hair on your dark clothes and dark hair on your light clothes. It never goes the other way around.
I have one light cat and one dark cat, so I’m covered. Literally.
5. Random piles of hairball puke on your hardwood floors. Do you know what feline stomach acid does to hardwood?
6. You say the vet budget is 99 cents because that’s how much a bullet costs, but really you spend $150 on a midnight trip to the small-animal vet and a couple of thou’ on a quadruple hip replacement.
I wouldn’t pay for a quadruple hip replacement for my own mother.
7. Poop. I wouldn’t pick up my husband’s poop, but I’ll clean it up twice a day for fourteen years for a dog, and the dog doesn’t even remember my birthday.
8. The chance of ungrateful, random attacks. A kitty won’t use her words if she’s scared.
9. Sex offenders moving into a new neighborhood get better treatment than you will get at playgroup when you tell them you declawed your cat.
But the couch is leather! Cats free for the taking, but that couch is Pottery Barn!
10. They make you love them and miss them forever when they go. Rest in peace, George, you stupid hairball machine. I love you.
EDITED AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE:
11. They will *not* warn you about an impending earthquake. Instead they will be lounging next to you on the couch licking their privates while the lamps are shaking. NO HELP AT ALL!
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