How to Parent Like a Bond Villain

I think there are a few things you need to know about children to be successful at this parenting thing.

It’s all about planning. Never let them get too hungry. Snacks in the purse, lady. It’s what the purse is for. Did you think it was for your stuff? Amateur.

I carry a giant hobo bag big enough to hold granola bars and the Death Star. You never know when you’ll need to either feed a kid or destroy Alderaan.

Never let them get too sleepy. This is more important when they are little. Eventually they will want to sleep. In fact, good luck waking them up when they get past a certain age.

Waking up a teenager is like a trip to a football game. It requires an air horn and a giant foam finger. (Giant foam finger optional, but I like to let them know Mom is number one.)

Get their attention so they take you seriously. To do this I suggest you model yourself on a Bond villain.

Note my mom-like Photoshop skills.

Spin around in your desk chair stroking your cat while you give them their chore list.

Wear something distinctive like an eye patch, a suit with a Nehru collar or your old retainer wrapped in aluminum foil. This lets the kids know who’s in charge and is more stylish than a denim jumper.

Putting them in matching jumpsuits helps them know their place in the organization. Think of it as your homeschool uniform.

Treat you personal space like a lair. Decorate it with shag carpeting and giant banks of computers. Throw in a radar screen for looks and a pop of color. Protect it with a shark moat or a corridor of laser beams. Now your chocolate stash will be protected.

Totally worth it.

Prepare quips in advance to their common questions. “No, Mister Bond, I expect you to finish your algebra.” This is more effective if you have thought ahead and actually named your child Bond, James Bond. This takes us back to the importance of planning.

Finally, never let them see a Bond movie or they will figure out that Bond always wins and the villain always ends up exploding with the floating/underground/space lair.

Sometimes I like to shake my fist and pretend to explode while shouting “Nooooooo!” This usually corresponds to finding the dog has left me a present on the bathmat.

The end of those movies are kind of a metaphor for parenting, if you think about it. Let them find that out the hard way–when they have kids of their own.

Any more super villain tips for me? I look forward to your comments, Mister Bond.

Nota Galore

Chocolate photo courtesy of Suat Eman and

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