PTWD–Post Traumatic Walmart Disorder

“Hello, Doctor? It’s me, Nota.”

“It happened again today. I needed some light bulbs at low, low, everyday prices.”

“I meant to go to the grocery store later, but on the way to my Chinese Mother lessons this morning I saw the big blue sign on the horizon. I thought ‘this time, it will be different.'”

“It wasn’t, Doctor. It was as bad as ever. The cart handle was sticky and one of the wheels spun around like the little girl’s head in The Exorcist. Roll, roll, roll, clump.”

“I was rounding the produce section into the frozen foods and this old lady jammed me with her cart. I think she saw me and sped up.”

“She was coming back for a shot at my poop deck, so I scurried on to the canned soup aisle. I swear those cans are smaller than the same thing at my grocery store. But, hey, it’s three cents cheaper!”

“So I picked up a case or two of Cream of Possum and went on to the meat department. The prices were great and the meat only had fifteen percent added water. Cheeseburger casserole for dinner. It’s that Paula Deen recipe with only two sticks of butter. Yes, from her diet cookbook.”

“I picked up four new tires, a gallon of salsa and a bra-strap extender.”

“I tried to get my ointment prescription filled, but my experimental stretch mark cream is apparently only available by mail order from Kazakhstan or through Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog.”

“After the pharmacy, I had to go to the ladies’ room.”

“Yes, I hovered. Yes, I closed my eyes and focused on imagining myself in my happy place far, far away. Yes, I flushed with my foot.”

“By then it was dark outside, so I got in the shortest checkout line. Of course, once someone else was in line behind me and I was trapped, the cashier needed a price check on something for the person ahead of me. They seem to have outsourced price checks to China.”

“Then the register ran out of tape. And the customer ahead of me paid in change. And Confederate money.”

“I thought I was home free once I was checked out, but as I was making my way to the exit (roll, roll, roll, clump) something in my cart set off the detectors at the door. That employee must have been trained by the TSA. There was less contact at my last mammogram.”

“As soon as I got home I knew I had to call you, Doctor.”

“Why am I calling? Can I get some Xanax? I forgot the light bulbs and I need to go back!”

Just bill my insurance,

Edited to add: two of my friends wrote response posts to this one.
Faith at The Hayes Zoo goes in to a Walmart for socks and undies and comes out with a perm.
The Reader@Musings on the Move tells about what Walmart shopping is like after you’ve lived in Brazil.

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    OMG, YES!!!! I had to go into what I refer to as the pits of Hades today. I needed bread, rabbit food and cold medicine. By the time I had been run down by like the 11th person…..
    lisarn3

  2. Margaret says:

    Oh Nota. What would I do without you??? I so needed that laugh this a.m.

  3. Traci says:

    LOL! Thanks for the morning chuckle………

  4. Peg says:

    And this is why we try to tell ourselves "This time will be different…" We have to live in the cloud of delusion so we can make it through. Sometimes it is just worth the extra $1 to get them at the Food Dog.

  5. The Reader says:

    sounds like me, from before I moved to Brazil….

    Now I have PTWD of an entirely different sort….blog post for tomorrow, perhaps :) I'll come link over here if I write it ; )

  6. Paula says:

    I so hate going into Walmart. I only do once a month or so, but that one trip still scars me.

    I always get depressed there – I think it may be the lighting.

  7. icklepay says:

    LOL!

  8. Luke says:

    [laughing] Seriously, a tear is forming in my eyes. Of course, that could also be partly due to the fact that my face is unusually dry and I've been rubbing my eyes a lot. Do you think Paltrow has a cream for that?

    ~Luke

  9. NotaSupermom says:

    Paltrow has a cream for everything. I like her "English-Accent Ointment".

    Don't bother with her "Southern-Accent Salve". It doesn't work.

  10. Susan in the Boonies says:

    I need White Cloud toilet paper for my sensitive septic system. Did you know that Wal-mart is the only place that carries it? Otherwise, I would never darken their doorstep again.

    Seriously? They frisked you?

    How disturbingly exciting. Or…just disturbing…

  11. The Hayes Zoo says:

    Oh my heck…..I am SO linking this. At least you didn't have to confess that you'd gone in for said lightbulbs and come out with a perm…and no lightbulbs.

  12. Shell says:

    Oh, this is so funny!

  13. Chloe says:

    lol. OMgoodness, this is funny. I hate that place. Have you noticed that the overwhelming use of psych meds in this country correlates exactly with the proliferation of Walmarts? Coincidence? I think not.

  14. Robin says:

    LOL! I think Chloe's onto something! :)
    I snorted at the Kazakhstan comment because we've been waiting for hubby's prescrip. since Monday and it's still not here. *GAHHH*

  15. Robin says:

    OH – I keep meaning to tell you I made your white chili sans chicken and it was fabulous!

  16. Carrie says:

    Target has light bulbs!

  17. NotaSupermom says:

    Ah, Target. It's funny how the same stuff seems so much nicer there.

  18. The Reader says:
  19. Jamie Jo says:

    These were great! I may cross-post, to all three.

  20. NotaSupermom says:

    Jamie, let us know. I'd love to read your take on it.

  21. Honey says:

    I absolutely loved this post. I feel the same way when I go there.

    blessings
    Honey

  22. Chloe says:

    There are so many, but this is my favorite.

  23. Anonymous says:

    How did I miss this one?? May I have your doctor's number?

    fern

  24. I’ve got the same affliction, but it has to do with Costco, not Walmart. If you’re ever in the market for Reynold’s Wrap, let me know. I’ve got about 500 rolls of it.

    • admin says:

      Mindy, you should give it out as presents for the holidays.

  25. My place is Target, my husband’s is Costco. Between us we’ve got it all covered.

    • admin says:

      I call Target “Hundred-Dollar Target”, because I can’t get out of there for less than that.

Trackbacks

  1. […] of this piece! I really appreciate it. If you liked it, you may also like this one about about PTWD, Post Traumatic Walmart Disorder, and the other time a few years ago I made fun of Gwyneth […]

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