The Christmas Socks

big-Pile-of-socksI have a sock problem at my house. When the laundry is folded out of the dryer, any unmatched socks go into a large hamper where they accumulate into sedimentary rock. Well, not rock exactly, but you can dig down like an archaeological dig.

The top layer has big socks with a toe hole or a stretched out cuff. They fit, but are worn out. Well, worn out to me; “more awesome” according to my kids. They like garments really broken in.

Dig down deeper and you’ll find The Socks of Activities Past. There are poodle socks for Irish dance, acrylic soccer socks of various team colors, and knee socks worn for fencing.

At the very bottom are baby booties and character socks from previous decades. Original Power Rangers, Aladdin, and Barney circa 1995.

My buddy Dana has five little kids, and she’s living the dream. She just threw away *all* their socks to start over. Luckily her husband doesn’t need a variety of styles and can wear the same type of white crew athletic socks for almost every activity. Even church, but that’s okay. They are pretty casual and I bet Jesus is cool with white socks at church.

Dana has a new pack of a dozen socks for each of her kids to go under the tree. Her kids will rip that wrapping paper and be pretty excited about new socks. My kids are sweet, but not as grateful or well trained as Dana’s. They’re more likely to give me side-eye.

You know what side-eye is.side-eye-what-you-talking-about-willisWhen Dana posted a photo on Facebook of her new socks, I immediately thought “The Christmas Socks” would be a good title for a song. It could be a sequel to “The Christmas Shoes”.

If you haven’t heard “The Christmas Shoes”, you are a lucky person. I took a vote in my head and “The Christmas Shoes” was unanimously the Worst Christmas Song Ever.

And your luck just ran out. Watch this, if you dare…

I started tearing up just embedding the clip. So emotionally manipulative, with cute kids and dying moms on Christmas. So bad. I hate myself for crying, especially when the choir of children kicks in at the end.

So, in the song I’m going to write, “The Christmas Socks”, the kid needs the socks because his mom has her last wheelchair bowling tournament that night before she gets a medically-necessary breast lift. They keep getting caught under the wheels and it’s making her roll a 7-10 split.

Now all I need are lyrics, music, and somebody who can sing without crying or laughing or vomiting. It’ll be a smash hit!

There are a lot of bad seasonal songs out there. Do you agree with me about The Christmas Shoes, or do you have another suggestion for Worst Song?

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  1. Margaret Hollingsworth says:

    I can honestly say I have never heard that song before. WHAT THE CRAP???

    Doesn’t the kid even know there won’t be shoes in heaven? Maybe flip flops for when the streets of gold get hot from all the glowing light. But shoes? I think not.

    I think your Christmas Socks should include those grippy things on the bottom – like hospital socks – in order to give Mama a little traction while she bowls.

    • This made me laugh out loud. If you have any ideas for the chorus, let me know.

  2. I just can’t make it through that song.
    It’s like pouring Log Cabin syrup on top of my caramel cake.

    You cried at “Patches”, remember?

    You old softie.

  3. Rosie says:

    We have a Land of Misfit Socks, as well. I find the whole sock thing even more difficult now that the feet in this house all wear the same size sock.

    I really don’t like the Christmas Shoes. Now that we are in Texas, I have heard a song I believe is called “The Gift”. It’s about a girl named Maria and some bird she finds. (Honestly, I kind of tune out when it comes on, but I think it is a knock off of The Little Drummer Boy.) The version I have heard is sung by some guy the sounds like Don McLean. It’s just sad. I much prefer Dominick, the Italian Christmas Donkey.

  4. Fern says:

    “I have no response to that.” ~~Meg Ryan in the unforgettable movie my husband won’t let us forget, Joe Vs the Volcano

    I still tell my kids to leave me alone and let me cry because my childhood was oppressive when it came to emotional stuff and I had to stuff it all and not cry during movies (not even for Tiny Tim)…but I could NOT cry for this song.

    • Not even for Tiny Tim? That’s so wrong!

      I’ve spent the morning watching flash mob videos on youtube and crying a little. Christmas flash mobs are the new “God bless us, every one.”

  5. I want in on that collaboration to write a sequel to Christmas Shoes!

    And Margaret needs to know that if there are flip flops in heaven — then it ain’t heaven. Just sayin’

    • I told my husband if I go first I want to be buried in slippers lined with fleece. My feet get cold!

  6. Andrea says:

    Up there with the terrible Christmas Shoes song is a poem BBN used to (and probably still does) play on the air – “A Cup of Christmas Tea”. Guaranteed to make me turn off the radio.

  7. I’ve never heard that song before. It made me teary. Can you get Arnold to sing it? Or did he die? Sheesh. That makes me sad, too.

    • Aw, I didn’t mean to make you cry. I listened to it twice today and it’s the first time I could listen to it and not tear up.

  8. I too had never heard “The Christmas Shoes” before this moving post about socks. “Thanks Anne!” I’m guessing that gets heavily played on country music stations – which I rarely listen to. Thank goodness for small blessings.

    Bust as to crying at commercials I am totally guilty of that. And when I cry at something really ridiculous I have to check the calendar, and they say, “Yup, it’s about that time of the month” because there is no reason to cry about a UPS commercial or something equally lame.

    However – if it is a commercial about an animal in peril you could mop me up off the floor. I don’t think I will be seeing “War Horse” (EVER!) because I can’t get through the movie trailer without crying my eyes out.

    Happy Holidays to you!

    • Oh, yeah, if I hear the opening notes of a Sarah McLachlan song I dive for the remote.

      I’ve read some reviews of War Horse and it seems like more War and less Horse. I think a lot of 11-year-old girls are going to see it on Christmas Day and be very traumatized.

      • And their mothers too. To this day I refuse to watch “Old Yeller” because I CRIED LIKE A BABY when they had to shoot the dog. (OK, I seriously just teared up thinking abou that.)

        Also, I LOVED the movie Babe, but when the pig wins the big sheep herding contest for the farmer and he looks down and says, “That will do pig, that will do” I choke up big time.

        OK – more tears just rolled down my cheek. I think its time I did some laundry and get off the damn computer!

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