The Christmas Socks

big-Pile-of-socksI have a sock problem at my house. When the laundry is folded out of the dryer, any unmatched socks go into a large hamper where they accumulate into sedimentary rock. Well, not rock exactly, but you can dig down like an archaeological dig.

The top layer has big socks with a toe hole or a stretched out cuff. They fit, but are worn out. Well, worn out to me; “more awesome” according to my kids. They like garments really broken in.

Dig down deeper and you’ll find The Socks of Activities Past. There are poodle socks for Irish dance, acrylic soccer socks of various team colors, and knee socks worn for fencing.

At the very bottom are baby booties and character socks from previous decades. Original Power Rangers, Aladdin, and Barney circa 1995.

My buddy Dana has five little kids, and she’s living the dream. She just threw away *all* their socks to start over. Luckily her husband doesn’t need a variety of styles and can wear the same type of white crew athletic socks for almost every activity. Even church, but that’s okay. They are pretty casual and I bet Jesus is cool with white socks at church.

Dana has a new pack of a dozen socks for each of her kids to go under the tree. Her kids will rip that wrapping paper and be pretty excited about new socks. My kids are sweet, but not as grateful or well trained as Dana’s. They’re more likely to give me side-eye.

You know what side-eye is.side-eye-what-you-talking-about-willisWhen Dana posted a photo on Facebook of her new socks, I immediately thought “The Christmas Socks” would be a good title for a song. It could be a sequel to “The Christmas Shoes”.

If you haven’t heard “The Christmas Shoes”, you are a lucky person. I took a vote in my head and “The Christmas Shoes” was unanimously the Worst Christmas Song Ever.

And your luck just ran out. Watch this, if you dare…

I started tearing up just embedding the clip. So emotionally manipulative, with cute kids and dying moms on Christmas. So bad. I hate myself for crying, especially when the choir of children kicks in at the end.

So, in the song I’m going to write, “The Christmas Socks”, the kid needs the socks because his mom has her last wheelchair bowling tournament that night before she gets a medically-necessary breast lift. They keep getting caught under the wheels and it’s making her roll a 7-10 split.

Now all I need are lyrics, music, and somebody who can sing without crying or laughing or vomiting. It’ll be a smash hit!

There are a lot of bad seasonal songs out there. Do you agree with me about The Christmas Shoes, or do you have another suggestion for Worst Song?

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