Vegan Tales

tofurky-roastEach winter I contemplate becoming vegetarian. Partially because of Lent (fasting and general abstemiousness are a big part of preparing for Easter for me) and partially because I don’t really trust industrial meat processing.

I blame Morgan Spurlock, the documentary maker who produced “Supersize Me” Also, I blame the meat processing company that was my audit client in the 90’s. Counting dead baby pigs during inventory will put you off the ham for a while.

The normal pattern goes like this:
January 1. Step on scale. Shriek. Vow to never eat fast food, fancy coffee drinks or chocolate ever again.

January 2. Stop at McDonald’s for a mocha. Think about MediFast. It’s not like you can lose your gall bladder twice. Vow to get enough olive oil this time.

January 15. Buy a lot of vegetarian and vegan cookbooks. Start reading. Debate pronunciation of “seitan” and wonder if calling it “wheat meat” is any better.

January 16. Serve family Tofurky roast. Tell them it’s turducken. Like that’s better. They are not fooled.

January 20. Watch “Supersize Me”, “Knives Over Forks”, “Food, Inc.” and “Babe” to get inspired. Hide wrapper from Sausage McGriddle in bottom of garbage can.

January 21. Google local Asian markets to find good tempeh. Make frozen pepperoni pizza for dinner.

January 22. Wonder what quorn is. Think it would be a good name for an off-Broadway show. “QUORN! THE MUSICAL”. “Avenue Quorn” “A Streetcar Named Quorn”Avenue-Quorn

Or it could be the name of a vegan cooking competition. “America’s Next Quorn Star” “Hardcore Quorn”

January 23. Go out to dinner with girlfriends to local gourmet pizza restaurant with extensive vegetarian, vegan, and gluten-free menu. Order the double meat with extra cheese. And a diet coke.

January 24. Go to Whole Foods. Pass out from sticker shock. Come to in pool of own drool in the bulk grains aisle. Drive to Trader Joe’s for mini chicken tacos (the bomb, yo) and case of three-buck Chuck.

January 25. Go to first Weight Watcher meeting in five months. Buy $75 worth of WW snacks. Cancel Weight Watcher membership.

January 26. Start shopping for next month’s business trip. Get angry Victoria’s Secret doesn’t carry size 40AA. Go to the husky pre-teen section of Walmart. Try on Hello Kitty training bra. It fits.Hello-Kitty-training-braJanuary 27. Stare at large eggplant purchased at farmers’ market. Make bacon sandwiches.

January 28. Prepare quinoa for dinner. Kids say it taste like dirt. Won’t stop saying “keeeeeeen-WAH!” like it’s a battle cry from Dune.

January 29. Prepare marinated beet salad for dinner. Kids say it tastes like dirt.

January 30. Serve actual dirt for dinner. Top it with bacon. Kids ask for seconds.

Coming tomorrow: February. Thin Mints are vegan, right?

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